Understanding Domestic Family Violence in LGBTQI+ Relationships: How Safe & Together Helps
By Jackie Wruck, Asia Pacific Regional Manager, Safe & Together Institute
Domestic and family violence (DFV) in LGBTQI+ relationships often looks different from heterosexual relationships, making it harder to identify and address effectively. Research suggests that LGBTQI+ individuals experience DFV at similar rates to heterosexual populations, yet traditional services frequently miss these unique patterns of abuse, leaving survivors without appropriate support.
Unique Forms of DFV in LGBTQI+ Relationships
Identity-Based Control: Perpetrators weaponise their partners’ sexual orientation or gender identity through various tactics. They may exploit internalised homophobia, using partners’ shame about their identity as a tool of control. For example, a perpetrator might reinforce negative messages about being gay or transgender, making their partner believe they deserve poor treatment or that no one else would want them.
Outing as Coercive Control: Threatening to “out” someone to family, employers, or community members represents a particularly insidious form of coercive control unique to LGBTQI+ relationships. This tactic leverages the real risks of discrimination, job loss, or family rejection that many LGBTQI+ individuals face.
Community Isolation: Perpetrators may systematically isolate partners from LGBTQI+ communities—often the primary source of understanding and support for sexual and gender minorities. This might involve forbidding participation in Pride events, criticising LGBTQI+ friends as “bad influences,” or creating conflict within community networks.
Health-Related Abuse: In relationships involving HIV-positive individuals, perpetrators may threaten disclosure of HIV status or interfere with medication adherence. For transgender individuals, abuse may include controlling access to hormones, sabotaging medical appointments for gender-affirming care, using incorrect names or pronouns as emotional abuse, or threatening to withdraw financial support for transition-related expenses.
“Fusion” and Boundary Violations: In some lesbian relationships, what appears as excessive closeness—sometimes called “fusion”—can actually represent psychological control. This might involve demanding complete transparency in all activities, isolating the partner from individual friendships, or framing controlling behavior as romantic devotion.
These tactics are often invisible to traditional DFV screening methods that focus on heterosexual relationship dynamics. Data collection on LGBTQI+ DFV remains severely limited, with most surveys failing to capture sexuality or gender identity, making the problem largely hidden from official statistics.
How Safe & Together Helps
The Safe & Together Model offers a more effective approach through its perpetrator pattern–based framework, which examines behaviour patterns over time rather than focusing on isolated incidents. This approach is particularly well-suited to identifying LGBTQI+ DFV because it looks beyond traditional physical violence indicators.
The Model’s accompanying Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool helps practitioners identify:
Specific control tactics used, including identity-based abuse like threats of outing or undermining gender identity
Impact on children and family functioning, recognizing how LGBTQI+ parents may face additional vulnerabilities
Intersectional factors affecting the situation, understanding how multiple identities (race, class, disability, immigration status) interact with LGBTQI+ identity to create unique vulnerabilities
Patterns of behaviour over time rather than isolated incidents, which is crucial for recognizing subtle psychological control
Cultural and community context that may influence the abuse, including the role of chosen family and community connections
Practical Application in LGBTQI+ Cases
Rather than asking “Has your partner ever hit you?”—which might miss the primary abuse tactics in LGBTQI+ relationships—practitioners using the Safe & Together approach might ask:
“How does your partner respond when you spend time with LGBTQI+ friends or community?”
“Has your partner ever threatened to share information about your identity with others?”
“Does your partner support or interfere with your access to healthcare or community resources?”
“How does your partner talk about your sexual orientation or gender identity?”
This shift in questioning helps practitioners recognise control patterns that might otherwise remain invisible.
Moving Forward: Implementation and Training
For organisations looking to better serve LGBTQI+ DFV survivors, implementing the Safe & Together Model requires specific adaptations:
Staff training should include education about LGBTQI+ identities, common abuse tactics, and community resources. Practitioners need to understand concepts like internalised homophobia, minority stress, and the importance of chosen family structures.
Policy review should ensure intake forms, safety planning tools, and documentation systems capture LGBTQI+ experiences. This includes using inclusive language and asking appropriate questions about identity and relationships.
Community connections are essential, as LGBTQI+ survivors often rely heavily on community support networks. Services should develop partnerships with LGBTQI+ organisations and understand local community resources.
Taking Action
The Safe & Together Model’s perpetrator pattern–based approach offers hope for better recognition and response to LGBTQI+ DFV. By focusing on perpetrator behaviour patterns rather than victim characteristics or isolated incidents, practitioners can more effectively identify and address the unique forms of control experienced in LGBTQI+ relationships.
The path to better serving LGBTQI+ DFV survivors begins with recognising that one size does not fit all—and that effective intervention requires understanding the full spectrum of tactics perpetrators use to maintain control.
Additional Resources
Safe & Together Institute’s domestic abuse–informed trainings
Safe & Together Institute’s upcoming events
David Mandel’s book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence
